Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tellin' you what to do Tuesdays

Without further ado, I present the first edition of the The Single Life Tellin' you what to do Tuesdays, which might be a new fun feature, or it might just be a conversation between Halterwhip and myself that I'm subjecting you all to. You decide.

The Question

OK, here is my friend's problem. She started dating this guy, and he's really great blah blah. But he recently returned from the Peace Corps in Jamaica, and still has some emotional attachment to a woman there. My friend thinks she's falling for this guy, but is afraid he's still hung up on Jamaica lady. WHAT SHOULD SHE DO?!?!? (hm maybe his is a committmentphobe.)

Not exactly Dan Savage material, but we're trying.

Thanks in advance,


Well "HW", whoever you are (wink, wink), your "friend" may not like this advice, but here it goes. She thinks she's falling for him but is worried he will not be able to do the same. We're not starting this off with any slow pitches, are we? This is pretty much the relationship issue. While I don't have enough information to diagnose commitmentphobia, or the skills, if you ask one particular diagnosee (time will tell!), it is quite possible that he is not available to get emotionally attached to said friend.

Unfortunately I don't have any cookie-cutter, figure him out without asking him advice. There are some people who believe that men get over one woman by meeting the next, and there are others who believe that men take longer in general to get over heartbreak. Who's right? I don't know, but I'm going to guess each man is different. Like snowflakes.

My advice? Drum roll, please!... She should talk to him. I know this is lame, boring, Mom advice, but it's pretty much the way to go. And it will be scary, yes. But in what world do you think you can get romantically involved with someone and not have to confront some (read: a lot) of fear? That's what it's about. If it's not scary, then it's not big enough to waste your time.

I'm not saying she needs to confess her feelings. I'm just saying she needs to talk to him about what each of them wants from a relationship at this point in their lives and what each of them can give. She could say something like this... "I wonder if you are over Jamaica lady. I am interested in a full, mature relationship and that can't happen if you're not emotionally available because you're not over someone else. It's fine if you aren't, I just need to be fair to myself."

Then, and this is important, she needs to believe what he tells her. None of this, "but once he realizes how great we are together then he'll change his mind." That is called De.Ni.Al, and it will only waste her time and lead to heartbreak. If you want an emotional attachment from a man, and he's only willing to date casually, guess what? You'll settle for casual dating, all the while hoping his feelings will change, and you'll get deeper and deeper into it. And there's pretty much nowhere good that this will lead. Trust me, I've done it.

Just to cover our bases, I'll share the greatest man advice ever: If he wants to be with you, he will make that very clear. You won't need to play your hand with perfect strategy. The question then becomes, and you need to ask yourself this every day, is he the right person for me?

Also, she should make sure he's lost the Jamaica braids...

(All that money and so many bad choices...)

Tough love, people, tough love.

And no Halterwhip, that was not Dan Savage material. I didn't see mention of Santorum anywhere. And for that I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or grateful.

Now that I rocked that question, got any more? Post them in a comment here.


the middleman said...

men are like snowflakes :)

Lisa said...

I'm moving the discussion to the answer of the problem because that's where it more properly belongs. Sorry smarty, but I agree with HW! No need for all that talky talky. It's fun to have a crush on someone and be able to hang out with them too. What's the sense in squashing all that good hang out time with some boring relationship drama?

PS. I too am shocked and awed at the number of fat white people every time I go back to the old N.E.


PPS How come everyone else can leave comments using their character name?

Eliska said...

Ok, the question for me is, is she falling for him or does she just like him and has a crush? If it's #1 I stand by all previous statements because that shit is serious, but if it's #2 I could be persuaded to agree with The ViolentOffender.

(You sign in using Name/URL)

Halterwhip said...

Oh sorry, I put my comment in the wrong place. This blog is confusing.

I'm not sure if it's #1 or #2, but regardless, i think she needs to contain the situation to #2 for a while while the guy figures out what his life is about.

falta baja tanto said...

ok, 1) agree with VW that the talky talky crap may be a bit premature - i mean seriously are you channeling your inner lesbian? and 2) there are not enough details on the "friend" to give the right advice.

for example: how long has she known this person? did she know him before he left for jamaica and then came back? if so, was he interested in her before he left but then met this other woman in jamaica? how old are these people? does she know him know him or know him from afar? does she hang out with mutual friends or have they gone out on a date? does anyone want to write my dissertation for me? on and on and on

i think the only thing i agree with is that if a guy is interested he will let you know. and yes, it is sad how many women stick it out in hopes he'll come around and they spend years pampering this non-committing asshole and then get dumped on their ass when they meet someone they really like.

Prince Gomolvilas said...

When in doubt, blow him.

(It's always worked for me.)

The 26th said...

The prince is wise, although it might fall under the "pampering a non-committing asshole" put so elegantly by falta. But if she wants him to pick her, why not play nice on first down and wait to blitz on third?

Halterwhip said...

That's true 26th, but you always want to keep an eye out for the safety attack.

Thanks everyone for your input, I'm sure they'll get married eventually. I think we can close the case of the most hackneyed man problem in history. Phwump. *High fives*