What is that???... oh it's just my right brain twitching...

When you get overwhelmed with the sciency scienceness over here, go check out Midge's Mind. She makes really interesting jewelry from hacked Barbie parts.

This is my favorite piece.



Isn't it sweet?

And she posts some super cool videos. Check it out...

Tellin' you what to do Tuesdays

Without further ado, I present the first edition of the The Single Life Tellin' you what to do Tuesdays, which might be a new fun feature, or it might just be a conversation between Halterwhip and myself that I'm subjecting you all to. You decide.

The Question

OK, here is my friend's problem. She started dating this guy, and he's really great blah blah. But he recently returned from the Peace Corps in Jamaica, and still has some emotional attachment to a woman there. My friend thinks she's falling for this guy, but is afraid he's still hung up on Jamaica lady. WHAT SHOULD SHE DO?!?!? (hm maybe his is a committmentphobe.)

Not exactly Dan Savage material, but we're trying.

Thanks in advance,

-HW

Well "HW", whoever you are (wink, wink), your "friend" may not like this advice, but here it goes. She thinks she's falling for him but is worried he will not be able to do the same. We're not starting this off with any slow pitches, are we? This is pretty much the relationship issue. While I don't have enough information to diagnose commitmentphobia, or the skills, if you ask one particular diagnosee (time will tell!), it is quite possible that he is not available to get emotionally attached to said friend.

Unfortunately I don't have any cookie-cutter, figure him out without asking him advice. There are some people who believe that men get over one woman by meeting the next, and there are others who believe that men take longer in general to get over heartbreak. Who's right? I don't know, but I'm going to guess each man is different. Like snowflakes.

My advice? Drum roll, please!... She should talk to him. I know this is lame, boring, Mom advice, but it's pretty much the way to go. And it will be scary, yes. But in what world do you think you can get romantically involved with someone and not have to confront some (read: a lot) of fear? That's what it's about. If it's not scary, then it's not big enough to waste your time.

I'm not saying she needs to confess her feelings. I'm just saying she needs to talk to him about what each of them wants from a relationship at this point in their lives and what each of them can give. She could say something like this... "I wonder if you are over Jamaica lady. I am interested in a full, mature relationship and that can't happen if you're not emotionally available because you're not over someone else. It's fine if you aren't, I just need to be fair to myself."

Then, and this is important, she needs to believe what he tells her. None of this, "but once he realizes how great we are together then he'll change his mind." That is called De.Ni.Al, and it will only waste her time and lead to heartbreak. If you want an emotional attachment from a man, and he's only willing to date casually, guess what? You'll settle for casual dating, all the while hoping his feelings will change, and you'll get deeper and deeper into it. And there's pretty much nowhere good that this will lead. Trust me, I've done it.

Just to cover our bases, I'll share the greatest man advice ever: If he wants to be with you, he will make that very clear. You won't need to play your hand with perfect strategy. The question then becomes, and you need to ask yourself this every day, is he the right person for me?

Also, she should make sure he's lost the Jamaica braids...

(All that money and so many bad choices...)

Tough love, people, tough love.

And no Halterwhip, that was not Dan Savage material. I didn't see mention of Santorum anywhere. And for that I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or grateful.

Now that I rocked that question, got any more? Post them in a comment here.

The Advice Line is now open

Halterwhip left this comment the other day:

Dear Eliska,

Would you consider adding an advice column aspect to your blog? I think you give good advice that should be shared with all the internets, plus my friend from Nebraska asked me for man advice and I am obviously not good at that, so I would like to refer her to you. Just don't tell her he's a commitment-phobe, hey?

Love HW

Sure, why not? I mean you could get your crappy advice elsewhere, or you could get it here, at The Single Life.

But don't believe Halterwhip when she says she's not good at that. Puh-lease. If anything she needs to learn how to swat them away more effectively. And 2, yes, perhaps in the past the term commitmentphobia was thrown around a bit loosely, but that's what'll happen when your next romance shows up a bit early, i.e. when you'll still reading relationship advice books.

Point is, The Single Life will now be featuring advice posts (contingent upon receiving any requests that is). And I make no claim that it will be useful, but it might serve twin purposes.

1. You might feel better just getting another opinion.
2. It will help fulfill my compulsion to tell people what to do.

So send in your questions, people. Type them on up in the old comments here. There are none too big or too small (it's none that would be a problem).

Halloween - does anybody still care about this?

Alright, this is soooo belated, but deal with it.

But I did have a pretty sweet Halloween. Ruhroh, Halterwhip, ViolentOffender and I went to Scoobarella and Tiger's place for a big ol' costume party in the barn. It was a super good time. Ruhroh and I went as Joe Sixpack and Jo the Plumber.


Halterwhip was an undecided (and slightly confused) voter from Florida and ViolentOffender was zombie Julia Childs.


We started the night with Sparks on Ruhroh's insistence (He's a smart guy, that Ruhroh). And we were at the scene of the crime! The first time Ruhroh and I met was at a costume party at the barn. He hit on my boyfriend at the time immediately upon walking in and only paid any attention to me about, oh, let's say... 3 hours later.

Anyway, upon entering the barn I saw one of the post-docs in my lab. I was halfway through a conversation with him and his wife when I remembered my shirt was unbuttoned nearly to my navel. Inappropriate!

And then I started smacking people on the booty with ViolentOffender's giant spatula. It was satisfying and except for the first one, I never got caught. Apparently I looked unsuspecting or something. Who knew? All I'm saying is, next party you go to, bring a spatula.

So I was supposed to have a tool belt, but the woman I was going to borrow it from didn't show up. Oh well, no problem. I just started carrying the ol' mini-plunger in my shirt. I used it as a drink holder for a while, then zombie Julia Childs decided to serve snacks out of it.


Genius! I guess that's why she's famous!

And then we started dancing. Of course. Until 4 am. Apparently Sparks makes you stay up long after you should have passed out.

The next morning Ruhroh kept talking about the night. I don't quite remember everything. Splitting a Sparks with Ruhroh at 3am? Really? I danced with my shirt completely unbuttoned for an hour and a half? Really? I tried to get ViolentOffender and Ruhroh to take their shirts off so I could too. Really? Well, it was hot. So I compromised and demanded her apron so I could just wear that.

And I'm not sure you can see it, but here's Halterwhip breaking it down to some Paula.



You're welcome, Halterwhip! Now you see why we go dancing all the time. And now she'll probably never let me within 100 feet of her with a camera.

Until next dance party!